I need to stop hurting people around me. And destroying myself in the process.

Passing Afternoon

I'm in love with this song:

There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon
Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon
And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her
Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms

There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made
And she's chosen to believe in the hymns her mother sings
Sunday pulls its children from their piles of fallen leaves

There are sailing ships that pass all our bodies in the grass
Springtime calls her children 'till she let's them go at last
And she's chosen where to be, though she's lost her wedding ring
Somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds

There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls
But my hands remember hers, rolling 'round the shaded ferns
Naked arms, her secrets still like songs I'd never learned

There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the windows closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone

-Iron & Wine

I watch my family crumble before me and you have done nothing to help. Such is the height of your ignorance. I hate you for it.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry if I can't express my emotions. It's called an ego. It's called fear. Why don't you just get it?

Halt.

Give me a cigarette between my fingers and I will type away. Now, I just stare at the blank screen wondering how to put my thoughts together and note them down. Lately, I can't think of anything I'd want to do, or like to do. I don't feel the urge to get out there and look for something I'm truly passionate about. And no, it's not the exams. Hell no. This has been going on for quite some time.
I would love to vent, but can't find the energy to recollect my anger and type it down. I'd love to get all hyper and happy and jot everything down, like I was when I first started this blog, except I can't hold the happiness for too long. I just don't want to do anything anymore. The passion is gone.
I used to be passionate about music, writing, drama, rebelling, sports, working out, piercings, eccentricity, breaking rules. Not anymore. And because of this, I'm bored. And this isn't the casual What's-Up-Nothing-Much-I'm-Bored bullshit. This is the actual I-have-nothing-to-do-except-SIT bored. And it's getting to me now.
I honestly, honestly need to find something to do otherwise I'll become one of those lazy hags who can't even get off their couch to grab a glass of water. Oh, and to top it all. Apparently, I'm not passionate about sex anymore either. Now that's way out of control. I need suggestions about things to be passionate about, people! GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS DAMMIT.

4 AM confession.

You were the one I would have waited for. The one who, beneath all the teasing and the annoying and the trying to hate part, I loved insanely. You, who spent way too much time brooding over anime and how to get rid of your phone, disappearing for weeks at a stretch. I still waited. I am still waiting. It's wrong of me to feel this way, I know. Even after so many mistakes I've made, one too similar, here I am back again willing to do all this again.
I'm not upset. I've learned to accept there can never be an us. I remember the day I sat in the backyard under the stars, and you told me you loved every single part of me. And I remember telling you the next day in my car what you wanted to hear. And then I remember crying on the shoulder of my best friend because there could never be an us.
I'm not one of the loyal ones, I'm not. Miles tear me away from you. But I'm willing to go through all that pain, all that distance, and still remain loyal if it gets me to you. I've never really gotten a chance. All I've ever needed was a chance. The sleeping around, the jumping from one guy to the next, the pretending to be in love with someone. All for what? Here I am, talking to you, crying, wondering where it went wrong. Wondering if I should continue pretending to all those people that there was never a you.
That all this time I've loved someone else.

Idioticpana. xD

Me: Say it ain't so. I will not go. Turn the lights off. Carry me home.
Michelle: Lovely!
Me: It's a song, pagal.
Michelle: I know. Isn't it that Santana song?
Me: Michelle. It's a Blink 182 song. =/
Michelle: NOOO THERE'S A SANTANA SONG TOO SWEAR TO GOD.
*2 seconds later*
Michelle: Oi wait. That's Put Your Lights On featuring Everlast.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. xD