Chronic Obsessions

Soot-ing.

2009-09-25T04:28:00.001-07:00

http://blackshimmer.blogspot.com/

=D

2009-08-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I need to decide and order the dress 2 months beforehand. And I'm absolutely torn between the following choices. I'm obviously gonna add sleeves to them, but I need to choose. A little help please?

Crystalline Sari:

Paris Sari:

River Sari:

Change, change, change.

2009-08-29T12:26:00.001-07:00

Oh man. What the fuck? I've been way too fucking emo for way too fucking long. *series of wtfs*
Sigh. It's time to give this blog a new tone, I guess. I'll just start off with KGS stereotyping. And KGS chootbags.

Tomorrow. Not today. They're not worth that much.

How fun.

2009-08-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

My sister's getting married.

This is gonna be one hectic year. Whoop-di-fucking-doo.

New song obsession.

2009-08-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

I'm no barbie doll
I'm not your baby girl
I've done ugly things and I have made mistakes
And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed
So what if I'm no baby bird hanging upon your every word?
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud

You're not some baby boy
Why you acting so surprised
You're sick of all the rules
Well I'm sick of all your lies
Now I've held back a wealth of shit, I think I'm gonna choke
I'm standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat
Does it really come as a surprise when I tell you I don't feel good?
Nothing ever came from nothing man
Oh man, ain't that the truth.

Storytelling.

2009-08-22T04:50:00.000-07:00

If you were a king
Up there on your throne
Would you be wise enough to let me go
For this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
I want to see the world alone again
To take a chance on life again
So let me go.

B.

2009-08-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, smoking my 10th cigarette of the day even though it's noon, I can't help but wonder if I had not given you everything you needed. Space, time, permission, love, tender care. What a fool I was. You tell me over the phone about how much you love me, with just a hint of apology in your words. But somehow, I don't believe you. Your words are hollow, empty. If what you are saying now were to hold true, you wouldn't have done what you did.
There has never been anything I've wanted to forget. But you are a part of my life I want to erase. I want to forget I ever knew you, and I curse the person who introduced us be it my very own sister. I'm sorry for pushing you into something that would have later proved to be troublesome for me.
But atleast now I can sit back and think: I never went wrong. Because I didn't. I kept my end of the bargain, you failed to keep yours. And I thought I was the promiscuous one here. It wasn't enough for people to remind me everyday that if there would be any pain coming into this relationship, it would be from me to you. How wrong they were. You see, we both know ourselves too well. But you don't know me.

While you sit and tell me how many girls you've slept with while I've been away, it's just another excuse of torture in my list within the past 2 days. And thankyou for opening my eyes, and invoking such feelings in me. I will not leave. I will show you exactly how much pain you would have caused me by just being with you and showing you all the love and care in the world. You do not know my cruel side, you have not experienced it. I will make you want to kill yourself.
Cause right now, all I want to say is: fuck you.

I feel nothing for you anymore.
Nothing.

Me.

2009-08-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

I've always been a person who never cared much about anything. Atleast not for long. Whatever passion I had in me died by the time I turned 16. Now I'm a bored, passionlesss person. College deadlines are approaching and I still can not think of a single thing I want to do. Maybe because the realization sunk in that maybe I am not good at anything. Except smoking.
Most people would call this phase depression. It's not. I've been through depression and it's nothing like this. I'm just gonna be brutally honest with myself.
I have always gotten what I wanted. There has not been a single thing I have placed my finger on that I have not yet gotten. I should thank God for this. God isn't too pleased with me though. I have sinned too much and continue to do so. Sex, drugs, alcohol, you name it. I love sinning too much.
I have been blessed with good looks and a razor tongue. I can pierce someone through my eyes. I have a dynamic personality, capable of change at will. I can make a committed man desire me insanely.
I have been a bored person most of my life. I have a bored approach towards life, and what were then magnaninous but now bored ambitions. All in all, I have a very fuck-you-fuck-this-shit personality now. There is not one thing, now, that can please me.
Maybe I'm just sleepy. Maybe it's the thought of one more year of school that is troubling me. I don't know. I'm moody. Incredibly moody.
Socializing is something I stopped doing 6 months ago. A lot of people are pissed off at me for this. But looking at them from the distance I have created, looking as a spectator, I want nothing to do with their lies and hypocrisy. I want to be no part of their emotion-packed lives. I can make and break friendship without ever having felt a thing. Unless it has something to do with Babar, Brian, Shiraz, or my family, I do not care.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have never regretted them. I love the person I am today, and those mistakes and decisions I made shaped me to be what I am. Most people would find that questionable and objectionable. But I have never been the sort of person who cared about what others thought of me.
I am an extremely proud and arrogant person. Ego would define my personality in one word. I walk tall, and am known as an elitist bitch.
According to Babar, in an effort to hurt those around me, successful or not, I end up hurting myself way more. I am a destruction machine. Not only will I ruin those around me, bu tin a wave of rage and depression, I will self-destruct.
In the world I have created for myself, there is little place for others except those I have already named. All the others are matters of ridicule and hatred. Except the 'nice' ones. Those deserve my respect. I am extremely sympathetic to those in need and will go out of my way for those I call my friends. I have given up on how to understand mankind even though few can understand them as well as I can.
Friednship is of little value to me now. Friends do not stick, and neither do I have the patience for their immature, emotional bullshit. I am not a loner. I do have few but very good friends. They understand my need for space and no commitment.
One thing I have gotten incredibly fond of the past few months is space. I like to sit alone, hours at a time, without talking to anyone. It gives me a sense of freedom, that I can break away from commitment chains whenever I want to.
I miss very few people, Brian being one of them. I missed Babar while I was away and because he has yet been the only person who has fully understood me. He knows my wants and needs, and knows how to approach me in my different moods. Shiraz, I have loved. He is the sole person who has ever broken my walls, weakened me, controlled me, and my life. It took all my strength to break away from him and just one phone call could draw me back.
It is a vulnerability I despise but have not yet overcome. I hate breaking down and being vulnerable. I hate tears, I hate emotional weakness. Thesre have been very few, almost countable, instances where someone has seen me cry.
I love power, I love money. But I am getting over it. Now, I like to use maturity as an excuse to get away from society and people. I like using the more mature approach towards life, the bigger picture. Maturity, classiness, sophistication, all such things impress me.
Babar says I am a terrible person. I agree and disagree. I disagree because because I am what society has forced me into becoming. I can be brutally honest, and sometimes that is what people need. I agree only because it may hurt their feelings at times. This behavior of mine is good and bad, black and white, right and wrong, hot and cold.
I have always been many things. I like having a secret life. There is no particular reason behind it except maybe because the secrecy thrills me. I will break rules because I want the thrill, and also because I want an explanation for why one must not do something. I believe more in the concrete than I do in the abstract. I hate being confined reason why I don't make friends. I hate the commitment that comes along with friendhsip.
This is me. I am all these things and more. Bitchy, self-centred, straightforward. Usually people don't like it. Rumors are an everday part of my life that I am so used to now that it feels funny when there are none circling about me.
I don't care.

2009-07-23T04:45:00.000-07:00

There's a smell of stale fear that's reeking from our skins.
The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins
We sit and grow our roots into the floor
But what are we waiting for?

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe.

Believe - The Bravery

2009-07-20T03:20:00.001-07:00

I have renewed personality. So fuck this shit. I'm giving up. I have given up. You all can go screw yourselves. =]

2009-07-15T02:23:00.001-07:00

We are all falling apart.
We need to stop falling apart.
I want to put on a pair of pink sunglasses and see the world in fake pretty colors.

2009-07-13T14:43:00.001-07:00

If I could get drunk every night, I totally would to forget you.
Last night was one.
Tonight will be another.

I'm slipping way too fast, drowning way too deep.
Someone pull me up please.

2009-07-06T01:43:00.000-07:00

Why do I even bother?
I like seclusion. I should just disappear off the face of this earth for another month.

Boston works out perfectly for me.

2009-06-25T09:02:00.001-07:00

Stop these fucking nightmares.

2009-06-23T01:39:00.001-07:00

Getting attached to people is not something I do. Letting people get to me is not what I let happen.
How could I be so naive?
How could I bend all my own rules?

Fuck you.

Nothing Like You And I

2009-06-23T12:51:00.000-07:00

We spent some time together walking
Spent some time just talking
About who we were
You held my hand so very tightly
And told me what we could be
Dreaming of

There's nothing like you and I
Nothing like you and I
There's nothing like you and I

We spent some time together drinking
Spent some time just thinking
About days of joy
As our hearts started beating faster
I recalled your laughter
From long ago

There's nothing like you and I
Nothing like you and I
There's nothing like you and I

We spent some time together crying
Spent some time just trying
To let each other go
I held your hand so very tightly
And told you what I would be
Dreaming of

There's nothing like you and I
Nothing like you and I
There's nothing like you and I

So why do I even try?
There's nothing like you and I
Nothing like you and I.

-The Perishers

Haunted.

2009-06-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

If I let you continue with your plans to control my life, I would be a different person today. I was reading My Feudal Lord by Tehmina Durrani the other day.
I was Tehmina, you were Mustafa.
I could not let that happen to me. I'm sorry.

I am so sorry. And I have loved you still after all this.
I wake up every night after a few hours of sleep cause you still scare me. Some times I keep thinking that I'm doing something wrong and you'll be so mad when you find out.
Some times I remember how I used to shiver and shake before meeting you, wondering if there was another excuse you had found to abuse me.
Me, the supreme example of strong, self-driven, power-hungry woman. The irony of it all.

Please stop taking my dignity from me.
Stop haunting me in my dreams, stop torturing me with your words, stop hurting me by ruining the only thing I find comfort in.
Please let me sleep in peace.

Fucked.

2009-06-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

Dig it deep in blistered skins
Of what's whispered in your ear
Crawling out of your soul
Shall only draw him near

You pull him close tight around
And thank your bloodied luck
You stare into those pitless eyes
For another night of harsh fuck

Everyday he leaves you bruised
And bites your body goodbyes
And the fuck you get all night long
Are more of his endless lies

No option, no where to go
You await him, a pretty doll, every night
And when he tramples on you, and fucks you over
You dismiss it, and continue your life

Here Without You.

2009-06-16T02:45:00.000-07:00

I hide my pain behind a cloud of cigarette smoke. I shy away from the world so they don't see how much I miss you. I cry early mornings when I can't sleep, when I read, and re-read, and re-re-read emails that you've sent. Early mornings cause I remember how I woke up next to you, cause I remember you breathing on me and how much I loved it.

Sleep eludes me. I don't want to sleep unless it's right next to you, unless it's in your arms, unless I can stir awake to hear you snoring. I don't want to do walk down to restaurants and shopping malls unless I have your hand to hold. I don't want to do anything in life unless you're by my side. I really don't have the courage to.

Putting on a facade, looking happy, keeping others aloof of my feelings is second nature to me. I can do it. But I don't want to. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of hiding. I want you here. With me. All the time.

And you can't be. And it fucking hurts.

I'm leaving on a jetplane.

2009-06-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

Four goodbyes and uncountable kisses later, you used your same old tactic to rid yourself of me. I know how you hate to say goodbye. I know how much the mere sight of me relieves you, how the slightest touch excites you, the faintest smile makes your day.
Just a month and a half baby, hold on to our memories.
I loved the idea of spending a whole day with you so far away from all the restrictions, curfews, watchful eyes. I loved holding your hand in public and kissing you whenever I felt like. I loved snuggling into you at night, waking up five times in the middle to still find you holding on to me, snoring in my ear.
Haye meri jaaaaaaaaaan. Na jao na.
I want to treasure every moment on this day. From the time I saw you standing outside the airport, to when I ran to you and cried on your shoulder. When you brought me to the hotel room, held me close and told me you're here and everything is gonna be alright, to when you stared at me while I gobbled down a plateful of rice.
I can't believe you're here. This is it!
I don't want this to end. I want to curl up into you every night. I want to make crazy videos, ditch movies, roam around the room naked, order room service, spend the whole day with you.
I can still hear you move behind me and smell my hair and tell me how much you love it, I can still feel your hands moving all over me, your lips locking with mine in a paradox of complete frenzy and soft affection. I can smell you in the shirt I'm wearing. The shirt I stole off you cause I could not stand being away from you for so long.
Cigarettes and Brut. So you.
I want to bury my face in the shirt, breathe you in, and turn to my pillow to absorb my pain.

I've missed you.

2009-06-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

I took my love down to violet hill.
There we sat in the snow.
All the time that she was silent still.
So if you love me, won't you let me know.
If you love me, won't you let me know?

Goodnight.

2009-06-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

"I don't want you to go."
"Lets not talk about it until I'm leaving."
"Okay."
The night was pregnant with unsaid things. It wasn't the right time to come forth and spill all the feelings. She'd break down and cry, he'd crumble under his own sadness. Walking hand in hand on the moonlit road, under the stars, the sea breeze stroking their bodies, they enjoyed each other's presence, smiling to themselves every now and then, longing for someone to press the rewind button and give them three hours alone again. Three hours of romance, of talking, of falling in love all over again. And yet, three hours of so many unsaid things and undisplayed emotion.
They reach her house. She turns around to face him, only to watch him try to walk away. She holds his hand and presses it ever so slightly. She looks up at those deep, observant, meaningful eyes where she sees nothing and no one but herself. "I bow down to you, you look up to me." A chuckle, and she buries her face in his chest.
"I'm very bad at goodbyes."
"This isn't a goodbye. I just want to hold you."
She breathes him in. She forgets everything around her, him, everything that exists between their two lives. She wants to hold onto him and have him whisper her things that he knows she loves hearing. She wants to run away with him and enjoy a life where no one comes in between them.
He wraps his arms around her, engulfing her in himself. His warmth makes her weak, his breath on her neck caresses each pore of her body, his lips touching her shoulder makes her feel treasured. A slight kiss, and she never wants to pull away. The feeling of his soft lips touching hers, his cigarette-and-strepsils breath ("Blue strepsils please, or none at all!"), the taste of his mouth, everything about that kiss nearly makes her faint.
I want to capture this moment and live in it forever.

Diamonds and Rubies.

2009-06-07T03:25:00.000-07:00

Come stand a little bit closer.
Breathe in and get a bit higher.
You'll never know what hit you.
When I get to you.

2009-06-03T09:24:00.001-07:00

I got a sexy white + fluorescent green navel piercing. Love love love. <3

Love drunk.

2009-06-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

Remnants of expensive food and small talk, coupled with her outlined almond eyes and his expensive perfume. They made everyone turn around and stare at the handsome couple that they were. Hands repeatedly grazing over each other, the slightest of touch, filled with limitless love, eyes meeting every now and then with a twinkle of recognition and inside jokes.
Her eyes glittered every time she stole a peak at him, his heart fluttered every time she laughed. Caring enough to feed him with her own hands, brutal enough to make him jealous with counterfeit stories about cute men. Perfection would be an understatement. Everything about this moment was divine. When she leaned over to whisper something in his ear, her warm breath seemed to caress every inch of his body. His cologne, mixed with the smell of his own body made her swoon. Each time their fingers grazed, the world would fade away into some other dimension. You're beautiful and I love you would smile the eyes.
A moment of silence that hangs between them until they burst out in bubbly laughter, cheeks flushed red. Everyone would be confused.
Why won't they leave?
Ten minutes and they were alone. She slipped one finger inside his clenched fist. Cigarettes lay abandoned on the table, making a drunk-love scenario with overpriced virgin cocktails and bread crumbs of a joyous meal. Everything around seemed secondary to the moment that they shared. Leaning over and whispering for the first time that day, she mumbled a discreet "I love you".
He observed her carefully, lost in her beauty. Her eyes immediately warmed, her smile eased, her skin suddenly softer. He looked at her hand "Why don't I buy a ring for that finger?"
All she wants to do now is fall in his arms.